The night before last I had one of those dreams that stays with you; a dream that is weighty and leaves an emotional imprint. It was a dream in multiple parts: I woke several times and even got out of bed, but when I returned to the pillow I also returned to the dream. Now that I’ve had a couple of days to process this dream I think I know exactly what my subconscious was trying to say.
Without going into too much detail, I dreamed that one of my grown up children had died. I was grieving deeply, sobbing aloud, but the people around me seemed to have little understanding of or patience for my condition, which seemed unjust to me since I was suffering so much over this death. The adult child who died in my dream had been on a trip with all of us and when I was going through my offspring’s belongings, I noticed they had brought a violin with them, which was unusual.
Upon waking in the morning, coming out of the dream state, I knew I had to figure out what the dream was telling me. I read about dream meanings and found out that dreaming of a child dying can symbolize an inner death or loss. I immediately felt a connection with that meaning because my trip to Altamonte Springs brought home to me how very disconnected I am from my past now. The distressing part of that is that there are some questions I have that will never be answered this side of heaven. I will never get to know the source of some of the artifacts of emotion that I experienced visiting this place from my past, since I have blocked a lot of my memories and the people who could tell me more are dead or just won’t talk.
Coming home from my trip I have felt drained, sad, in a state of mourning. And of course, just as in the dream, the people around me do not understand what I am experiencing.
Not knowing everything and not having answers to some big questions is hard for me because I am a take action kind of person. Once I discover a thread of truth and discovery I want to follow it to its end. I don’t want to have to give up and say, “I cannot go any further.” I am a perfectionist. God is telling me to stop trying to be perfect. He says that He is proud I have made so much progress in breaking free from the shame of my past and I have learned much. But sadly, some of the ghosts of my past will have to go unharnessed, unbranded, unsorted, unclassified. Unidentified. My only evidence of these ephemeral ghosts will be the jagged dagger of subconscious shame that was unleashed during my visit last week. The only thing I can do with this ugly emotion is to expose it to the truth: Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. – Psalms 34:5
Oh, the violin in the dream? That instrument represents peace and serenity. It mysteriously showed up in the dream in my deceased child’s belongings. So I am losing something inside; the dream of fully resolving everything in my past. But in its place, I am gaining the sweet song of peace represented by the violin. I’ll take that trade. It may take some time and processing. But I’m in this for the long haul. And who knows, maybe one day all the memories will come back and then I’ll have to deal with knowing in intimate detail everything that happened to me. Perhaps I should be grateful right now for the things I don’t know. I have a feeling that my heavenly Father knows how much I can handle at any given time.