Today I am focused on the wrong thing and allowing my peace to be disturbed by something that shouldn’t be controlling my mind. My weight. I’ve been carefully following a very effective eating plan since the beginning of this year. I’ve been faithfully writing down everything I eat and drink. I’ve lost a little bit less than 10 pounds, which is not that much but it is something. I notice a difference.
But I think I should be further along. I should have lost more weight. I have been faithful – where is my reward? One of my sons is doing this eating plan with me and I got him a scale so he could track his progress easier. I have kept scales out of the house because I have an unhealthy relationship with those cursed little machines. But now there is one in the house and sure enough, I have been weighing myself multiple times a day in various states of dress and undress, having just eaten or not eaten, trying all different manner of things in hopes that the number would go down.
Tomorrow is my official weigh in day and today my thinking is slowed down by a quiet obsession. I am worried that for the third week in a row I will not lose weight. I weighed myself this morning and I am a pound heavier than I was on my last weigh in day. This is crazy thinking.
I need to make a commitment to myself that I will not step on the scale just because it is there.
I need to remember that I am in this for the long haul and I am not quitting just because it’s not progressing as quickly as I would like. I feel great as a result of eating healthy and it would be dysfunctional for me to quit that and go back to unaccountable consumption.
I need to double down on faithfully tracking every single thing I eat. I have been very conscientious about doing this but I cannot allow my frustration to cause me to sabotage myself. “What does it matter” is a phrase that threatens to be uttered in times like this.
I need to not freak out and start trying a bunch of different things to jump start my weight loss. If I start some crazy unsustainable exercise program and I happen to lose a couple of pounds the week I start it, then guess what? I have to try and sustain a crazy exercise program in order to lose weight. That’s not real life.
I can, however, recommit to maintaining a certain level of activity each day. I like the 10,000 steps per day goal. It is an achievable challenge and I think it is a healthy goal.
I need to be my own best friend. That means speaking kindly to myself. Some of the things I’ve seen women say about themselves on their weight loss journey (including me) are heartbreaking and cruel. We would never say these things to our friend and most of us would never say them even to someone we didn’t like very much. Imagine how you would feel if someone was verbally abusing you every day around the clock. You might start to feel hopeless and sad and you might even fall into a serious depression and stop caring about yourself. You might even start to intentionally sabotage yourself because you begin to believe the harsh words being said about you. I need to remind myself that I am loved and have a core worth that exists apart from my failures.
I need to cultivate an appreciation for who I am right now. This has been hard. It requires a continuous paradigm shift. “If only” has been a constant theme since I was 13 and wasn’t “blossoming” the same way other girls did. Since then, everything about my appearance that wasn’t considered perfection has been a liability. There is a freedom in getting to the other side of this perspective and seeing myself as a beautiful, valuable, lovable woman in total.
I need to be my own parent. And that is what I have done in this blog post. I helped the freaked out little girl inside me identify the problem and I spoke loving truth to myself. I am feeling better. I am living in reality and more in the moment instead of future tripping on what the scale might say tomorrow. And I am putting it all in perspective. I am doing my best to be healthy. I am healthy. I am loved. I can show love to the important people in my life.
Life is good.
Image courtesy of Seth Doyle