I fool myself all the time. A situation changes and I think I will never have to go back to the way it was. I guess I am optimistic in that way. But yesterday I got a lot written – a lot for me anyway – I wrote almost 2000 words in two writing sessions. I wrote in the early morning, in the quiet, but I also wrote in the afternoon, out on the back patio, while the hens wandered in the yard and the sky dropped dribbles of rain on the aluminum roof of the patio. I don’t know, maybe the glass of white wine helped skip me over the edge of pain; but it didn’t feel so bad. I was writing about the very time I found out that Dad was leaving us and that Mom was going to put me out on the street. So imagine you have to put on shorts and wade into raw, stinking sewage. Imagine how it would eat away at your skin and how bad it would smell. After you got out of the sewage, you couldn’t wash it off and the putrid stink would have to dry on your body, leaving you itchy and uncomfortable.

That’s kind of what it feels like to wade down into the waters of my past. Or usually it does, anyway. But my hope is that I have discarded enough of the shame that has rested on me for decades, that that waters have been refreshed and cleaned. Not that I should be filled with joy when thinking about what happened to me and what I did, but I hope that I won’t feel so toxic in the future. It makes it easier to write.

Written by Tina Gasperson

10 Comments

Jim Grey

Shame must be confronted so it can be shed, or it will always control you. It’s so hard to confront it. I’m glad you’re doing it.

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tinagasperson

Thanks Jim. It’s weird, because I only recently figured out it was shame that was preventing me from making progress.

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patricia poe

Love ya, Girlie. I know this must be hard to write but so very therapeutic. I really enjoy your writings. So very intense and honest.

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tinagasperson

Thanks Patricia. It really is a good thing, it’s amazing how many things I can discover by letting the words out.

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rgasperson

It sounds like you allowed yourself into the deep pits of emotions yesterday. I find if I allow myself to feel when I am writing, more words seem to come out.

If I can feel the emotion and the atmosphere of what I am writing about, then the description of those moments become almost crystal clear, not only to me, but hopefully to those who read it later. The emotion of your experience raises the level of your writing, of any art for that matter.

Now you should search for the opposite emotions from yesterday. Find a time in your childhood when you were filled with Joy.

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tinagasperson

I did! Joy, that would be a good thing to find. I know it would be during the times I was writing as a child. Sometimes the memories do not come very easily. Thanks Robert.

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Cassie Hamilton

I hope you find from these tough memories that you learned quite a bit about yourself and that this hard stuff also had gifts for you. And … congrats on writing so much in a short time!

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tinagasperson

thanks Cassie! There were definitely gifts in there; I made at least one interesting discovery…

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