This morning I was working on the sixth chapter of my memoir (working title: Just Love Me). I was recalling the day in 1979, shortly after my father left us for his new family, when my mother told me she and my little sister were moving to an apartment and I wasn’t welcome. I was sixteen! One of the difficulties of writing memoir, I have found, is that I have a tendency to get mired in the poisonous, ancient feelings of shame. It makes sense; I’m diving down into these old moments and examining them one excruciating word at a time. My therapist says I am traumatizing myself all over again. It’s worth it. I believe God goes with me. My purpose is to share what has happened to me and how my journey of hope has brought me to wholeness. I know that so many of us suffer from chronic shame over the things we have experienced. Sometimes it feels like there is no way out, and I just want everyone to know that there is a way out.

I’m developing a sort of closing ritual to close the door on this old shame I’m wading in every morning as I write. When I am done writing, I come here to the blog and write a couple of paragraphs of analysis or summary, gently bringing myself back to the present time and reminding myself that I am truly healed and I don’t live there in that shame anymore.  I would ask of you though, that if you are a praying person, would you mention me to Father?

Written by Tina Gasperson

5 Comments

Jim Grey

I’m sure telling this story does retraumatize you to some extent. But I think part of healing is in reframing what happened and finally fully processing it.

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tinagasperson

I agree, it is important to fully process. I can’t help but think this is part of the healing. I sure as hell hope so!

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Steven Vaughan-Nichols

First, I’m sorry for the pain in your life. Second, “My therapist says I am traumatizing myself all over again.” Excuse me? Until you really process your painful memories, they’ll stay buried and come back to keep biting you in your current life. Now, I’m no psychologist, but God knows I’ve been to a few and I thought that was psychology 101. I think you’re doing Exactly the right thing.

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tinagasperson

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Steven. It’s a good perspective and I appreciate it. I agree, it’s important to process things and work it out. I think I’ve mostly done that, and healed quite a bit. I think revisiting these old places sometimes is comparable to picking at an old wound. I can make it hurt again if I mess with it.

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