I had a rough time with my writing this morning. I am working on chapter two, but it’s almost 12,000 words now. I felt such frustration; I’m losing my place a bit and then all of a sudden all the prose seemed really crappy to me. It’s like I’m losing my voice in the words; it’s not really me speaking. Why am I trying to be someone else? Where am I in all of this? Why am I even doing this?
I’ve noticed that the present tense chapters seem to come out more naturally than the really old stuff where I am going back to my youth. The old stuff feels like yucky toxic water and I think I just want to get out of that pool as fast as I can. So I am not writing naturally, or not writing as naturally as I could or should. I only have an hour each day set aside for writing, and I feel like I totally wasted it today. I know that tomorrow is another day. I know that it’s just a speed bump. I just feel like I don’t have the time to waste. I also feel like I need to get my head wrapped around all this so I have a plan each day of what I am going to write. I think this Chapter Two needs to be broken into another chapter.
What I need is to go away someone for a couple of days so I can spend a longer length of time on the writing without having to make jewelry, cook dinner, do laundry, or focus on my family. I love my family and I want to focus on them; it’s one of my favorite things to do. But this writing haunts me and taunts me. It follows me around all day long and invades my awareness. When I have a bad writing morning like today, it stays with me. When every word is like pulling a tooth, it leaves a residual pain.
One hour out of every 24 is just not enough.