Today I am so aware of the presence of disappointments and disillusionments that I am having a difficult time functioning. Does this ever happen to you? I forget things: I forget to do them, I forget how to say them. I lose interest and feel defeated. I plod through my day like a programmed robot, not truly feeling because to feel is to risk feeling sadness, anguish, fear, maybe even panic.
I put a smile on my face and do that thing with my eyes that makes them light up, for the benefit of those around me, and maybe for myself too.
I avoid conflict.
I let people get in front of me in traffic and I stay out of political conversations, not because I am a better person but because the stress it causes feels like it could crumble me and it’s just easier to ignore the strong impulse for a few seconds in order to feel better in the long run.
I stumble at trying new things, and the old things that used to bring inspiration and life and comfort are just still and quiet now, in a deep sleep.
I want to be able to say that I don’t put my hope in anything except God but that wouldn’t be true. Is there a human being alive who can be 100% successful in having hope only in God? I’m not sure I believe those who say they have this nailed down.
No, my hope is not only in God.
I’m not afraid to say it because God already knows and he still loves me. Here I am, a faulty sinner, standing in the middle of my life and watching things all around me that I once hoped in fall down into a mawing sinkhole that seems to just keep growing. And all I can do is look at Jesus and whisper, please don’t take this one thing away.
Please don’t take this one thing away, because I don’t know how to only put my hope in you, God. I can’t see you, I can’t hear you, I can only feel you sometimes and see evidence of your presence, like the invisible wind that blows through and takes the loose branches out of the tree. I can’t touch you like I can reach out and touch my husband, and I prefer the physical reality, like some who prefer the smooth pages of scripture to the dangerous mystery of the Almighty. Please don’t hold this sin against me.
What would it be like to only trust in you? Would life be sweeter? Could I stop having to look over my shoulder, wondering what was going to have its way with me next? Could I sing with happiness even as everything else fell away? Would I no longer experience the pain of disillusionment and loss? Is that really even human?
If it is, please give me this gift.
Today, Lord, I pray that no one, including me, tries to fix me. Because in our brokenness is your light shining; in our weakness is your strength holding up the world.
Even so, life is good.