In an effort to be “more positive,” I have blocked my writing flow because I tried to be someone else. I rejected the real me in favor something “better”. I was trying not to sound whiny or defeatist, but I just ended up with silence instead. Silence is not good for a writer. I need to put my thoughts into words.

But let’s get something straight. I don’t write to gain sympathy. I don’t want sympathy and I’m not fishing for consolation. Whenever I write about my past or current difficulties, I do it to illustrate a point, to share an insight I’ve received, or to offer help to someone who might be looking – not to garner someone’s compassion. Please, above all, do not read my writings and say, “I’m sorry this happened to you.”

I have to accept who I am and be that. My blog posts and my life should reflect the real me, not the me that my ego wants everyone to see. I am so weary of that ego. It’s like an eternal game of whack-a-mole trying to conquer my pride. It crops up everywhere, continuously. Just when I think I have it under control, I realize my ego has been thriving and multiplying in another area of my life. I can’t completely avoid being self-serving (why, for instance, do I feel the desire to blog publicly anyway?), but at least I can (1) be aware of it, and (2) be as true to the real, honest, flawed, melancholy me as possible.

This is who I am: deeply emotional, idealistic, prideful, perfectionistic, introverted, very compassionate and open and loving when I am at my best, and overly nitpicky and critical and strident and judgy when I am stressed. I have a troublesome tendency to see the world in black and white, a coping mechanism I developed as a child but which no longer serves me quite so well. I love people but social interaction drains me, so give me an hour and a half of deep conversation and then I’m ready for a nap.

I am a broken person with my pieces lovingly put back together by Jesus. He likes to let the cracks show and tends to leave out a tiny piece or two to let his light shine through. He says his grace is sufficient for me. I’m still internalizing that.

Image courtesy of Martin Reisch

Written by Tina Gasperson

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