In an effort to be “more positive,” I have blocked my writing flow because I tried to be someone else. I rejected the real me in favor something “better”. I was trying not to sound whiny or defeatist, but I just ended up with silence instead. Silence is not good for a writer. I need to put my thoughts into words.
But let’s get something straight. I don’t write to gain sympathy. I don’t want sympathy and I’m not fishing for consolation. Whenever I write about my past or current difficulties, I do it to illustrate a point, to share an insight I’ve received, or to offer help to someone who might be looking – not to garner someone’s compassion. Please, above all, do not read my writings and say, “I’m sorry this happened to you.”
I have to accept who I am and be that. My blog posts and my life should reflect the real me, not the me that my ego wants everyone to see. I am so weary of that ego. It’s like an eternal game of whack-a-mole trying to conquer my pride. It crops up everywhere, continuously. Just when I think I have it under control, I realize my ego has been thriving and multiplying in another area of my life. I can’t completely avoid being self-serving (why, for instance, do I feel the desire to blog publicly anyway?), but at least I can (1) be aware of it, and (2) be as true to the real, honest, flawed, melancholy me as possible.
This is who I am: deeply emotional, idealistic, prideful, perfectionistic, introverted, very compassionate and open and loving when I am at my best, and overly nitpicky and critical and strident and judgy when I am stressed. I have a troublesome tendency to see the world in black and white, a coping mechanism I developed as a child but which no longer serves me quite so well. I love people but social interaction drains me, so give me an hour and a half of deep conversation and then I’m ready for a nap.
I am a broken person with my pieces lovingly put back together by Jesus. He likes to let the cracks show and tends to leave out a tiny piece or two to let his light shine through. He says his grace is sufficient for me. I’m still internalizing that.
Image courtesy of Martin Reisch