sounds like the title of a grade school essay. but we start where we are, and this is where I am right now.

the day my life changed forever, May 24, 2019

(two minutes of staring at the screen)

is that it? that can’t be the only thing I want to write about can it? why for so long have I been unable to get anything out of me onto the page? why am I so shut down? Come on, Tina, there are a million things you can write about. Back to your list.

exploring why I can’t write anymore

what happens when someone accidentally makes you paranoid about exposing your own truth

when your beliefs and attitudes contradict the accepted beliefs and attitudes

when you’ve failed so many times that you believe you have nothing valid to offer

when your beloved adult child is an addict

who in a blacked-out drug-fueled state steps in front of a moving truck

and doesn’t die

but ends up with a TBI and in a coma for 25 days and he might die

but he lives and you still don’t know what the outcome is going to be

and it is entirely possible the nightmare will repeat itself, nothing to guarantee against that

when you want to default to sunshine and lollypops and wishful thinking

and you do but everyone thinks you’re crazy, at least that’s what you think

so you shut up because you’ve failed so many times

when you remember how you used to think you could sing, for instance, and you put yourself out there so many times for so many years and even had yourself convinced you were good at it and then you realized your motivations for doing all that were not pure and so you stopped doing it, just stopped, and then when you looked back at it all you cringed at certain scenes from that past life and you were embarrassed for yourself to even think that you thought you were good at it

when you start to think maybe its the same thing with your writing

and the same thing with your weight

when you think about the curses that your parents put on you, unintentionally but thoughtlessly as well

and then you wonder what curses you have put on your children, selfishly, unthinking, not knowing, immature, and you wonder if it is all your fault that it happened, that poor scared child that you didn’t love well enough

but you didn’t know how

do you even know how now?

when you pour everything you are and everything you have into loving your husband and your children because you know you didn’t love well in the past

when you think that should fix everything

sometimes it fixes some things but other times it does not fix anything

and you realize how unfair life is

how can we be expected to move through this short time period knowing how to form another human being

when you think about the ones you killed before they even had a chance to live

when you decide that the only choice is to keep going, to keep pouring yourself into loving action, no matter how imperfect that may be

when your only other choice is to rely on mercy for the past and strength for the future and grace for right this second

even though you failed so many ways at being a parent

you failed at being a friend

you threw away relationships because you preferred the easiness of being alone

because you got tired of wondering if you were being taken seriously. you got tired of caring. you got tired of thinking about your own damn flaws all the time that seemed to be held up like a mirror in the faces of other people and it is easier to just be alone.

when you don’t really even want to try to conjure up the energy anymore because there are so many other things that demand your lack of focus

when the biggest self improvement project you can handle right now is not getting aggressive in traffic

when you realize that five years of talk therapy really didn’t solve all your problems once and for all and really it may have just highlighted them

when you look at this list and realize that you still want to keep trying because there is beauty in pain and there is triumph in endurance and you know there is a purpose to all of it and you don’t want to miss it even though…


  1. It is the struggle and pain that makes us who we are. The bad things are how we relate to each other, how we make those friendships that last. It is also how we help each other. Knowing someone has been through what you’ve been through builds courage to move forward.

    I’m so glad you are sharing again. I enjoy your writing and know it touches everyone who reads it.

    1. Robert, I’m so sorry that I only just saw your comment. I have been so disconnected. I think I’m back now. Thank you so much for your comment and encouragement. How is your writing project coming along? I always check it out when I see you on Facebook. I haven’t been on there much lately though.

  2. I saw your name on a new blog post and looked so forward to reading it when I could get a few minutes. It had been so long, I had wondered what had happened to cause you to step away from blogging, but here you were back.
    Then I stepped off a cliff, feeling just a sample of your searing pain, shared with the kind of brutal honesty that few can muster. And I remembered why your writing drew me in and made me want to read more.
    I have nothing to offer in return but the promise of prayers for your child, your family and you.

    1. J.P., I’m so sorry for the delay in responding. I only just this moment realized you had commented. Thank you for your encouragement, it means a lot to me and it makes a difference. Thank you for your prayers. It’s so powerful

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