when the things that used to bring you joy just don’t anymore – what does that mean?

when activities don’t fit into your life anymore but you don’t have anything to replace them with and you feel lost – where does that come from?

when you have finally lived longer than both of your parents did, just in time to realize that sometimes life just feels unsurvivable, is that some kind of graduation?

is it supposed to be a celebration, that I didn’t drink myself to death or worry myself sick like my mother and father? because life doesn’t feel like a celebration today, sometimes life just feels like a big trick.

someone pulled the rug out from under me. today.

or last night.

and that’s just how it feels.

I have a sewing room but I never use it anymore, it just feels awkward, I just feel too broken to join things together with thread.

I used all my energy to motivate myself to create something and now I don’t have any energy left to create it, so I spend the rest of the day feeling unsatisfied and it is all just a choice.

it’s just a choice.

if I choose to survive this day can I promise myself that tomorrow will be better? will my backpack of burdens be lighter? will I see myself in the proper perspective?

will I love myself again? realize that I’m doing the best I can? give myself space, grace, to hurt and to heal and to be that lost and scared little girl who needs an adult to tell her she is alright and it is going to be alright and she is beautiful?

I forgot. I told myself this a while back and I forgot again. “You have to be your own best friend. You have to be for yourself all those things you wish other people would have been for you.”

Nobody else can be with me all of the time, not anyone here on earth. I’m the only one.

I have to be my own parent when things get hard, when hope feels scarce (because it is just a feeling, hope is always abundant, you just have to hope for the right things).

and sometimes, as any good parent knows, you simply have to act your way into feeling.

yes, act your way… into feeling.

so I say a kind word to whoever is there and the sound of my kindness lifts my spirit just for a moment, just high enough for me to catch it, hold it, and keep it.

maybe I don’t have to wait for tomorrow to be better.

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