I’m Not Copping Out

(watch the youtube video above, it is not an ad, it is a song that goes with this blog post)

Death is all around, grabbing, pulling, forcing its way into my consciousness. People that were fixtures in my life or in the lives of people I love are slipping away and the world is becoming a lonelier place.

It’s a scarier place.

I keep forgetting to be grateful for all that I have because I get focused on loss.

What is my purpose, why am I here, what does this all mean? Are you really good, God? The longer I am here the faster the time slips away and I can barely get hold of my day before it is gone.

I want to do all the things but I don’t want to do anything.

am i really depressed again

I am the chief architect of this mess but there sure has been a lot that I didn’t ask for. That sounds a little too close to a victim mentality.

Are we honestly to hate this life and look forward only to something on the other side?

Why, really, did you put me here, God?

Time to sink down into the micro-moments again. Time to grasp for gratefulness. Stop flailing around in the universe of doom. Look around. Tell yourself one thing you are grateful for.

One thing. The smaller the better.

OK. I am grateful for the sound of the brewing coffee dripping into the carafe.

Also, my little lamp with its golden light that spills down onto the hearth beside me.

The quiet of this morning.

The whisper of my son, the one who cheated death, as he comes in search of caffeine.

A comment from a friend.

Writing letters to someone who was close to my mother.

A chance to try again.

Yes, God, I accept your offer of this day. Whatever it may hold. I will take them all, I will take all that you have to give to me because I know that somehow, even with all the sorrow and misunderstandings and failure, it is good.

May my perspective soar to your heights so that you can show me my life the way you see it.

and you’re raising the dead in me

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