Your role is not to be good, that’s God’s role. Your role is to be humbly forgiven.”
What would I tell myself right now if I were my best friend? To encourage myself? To give me a hand out of the deep ditch I have stumbled into rather suddenly?
I would tell myself: you’ve poured your life into your kids.
I would argue: I didn’t even identify as a mother until it was too late.
I would tell myself: you have to let go of this overarching guilt, you’re taking it on as a mantle of justification for all the horrible ways you treat yourself. It’s not serving you well.
I would argue: how can I live my best life when it’s entirely possible that my actions toward H are what caused things to be the way are is now? I feel like I drove more than one person I love insane with my lack of bonding and love toward them. W didn’t do anything, he just disappeared into the mist. I was the active party.
I would tell myself: you don’t know that, you don’t even remember all the day to day stuff, you only remember two big things that happened and you are creating your whole narrative based on that incomplete memory. Reality might be completely different. In any case, let me ask you something: is feeling bad right now for things that happened in the past going to help H? Is feeling good right now and letting go of guilt going to hurt H? You’re not annihilating or denying your guilt, you are simply moving it to a new location, onto the back of Jesus. You only did what you were capable of and Jesus knew everything in advance and still chose you to be H’s mother. Humble yourself and accept that you are who you are and you did the best you could; you come from a long line of extremely flawed people. Your role is not to be good, that’s God’s role. Your role is to be humbly forgiven.
I would argue: I need a huge faith injection, I need a move of God to encourage me, I need help to persevere, I’m on the verge of letting myself down again and I am doing a disservice to my husband and I can’t expect him to be my god. I need protection from the arrows of the enemy, shot with such skill in just the proper angle to get in and take me down. My family needs to see me rising above.
My prayer: God, you knew the depths of me before I was even conceived in the natural world – and you said yes. I don’t believe you create our souls to be scorned. You made me with purpose and you gave me eyes to see beyond the mountains. In faith I believe my sins are forgiven and I have turned away from them. Open the eyes of my heart as I turn toward you again and again. My hope is that every one of my kids will see my humanity, identify with it, and turn their hearts to you. Selah.