Happy Mother’s Day

I forgot about Mother’s Day this year. I don’t have a mother so maybe that’s why. Maybe Mother’s Day makes me uncomfortable because for me it draws inner attention to my inadequacies. My kids are always so gracious and genuinely appreciative of me on days like this, and it makes me realize how important a mother is to her children.

They always shower me with attention, love, and gifts. They never forget about me.

ok this is probably going to get deleted.

Because I feel like I could have done so much better as a mom. And that’s really negative and I don’t want to be negative.

So what am I grateful for as a mother?

Maybe that’s a good way to steer this.

I’m grateful that my kids don’t hold my weaknesses and mistakes against me. When I was very young I held grudges against my mother for what she did to me. I felt hatred and resentment. When I got older I forgave her but she was never able to get out from under the weight of guilt. She always said she was drinking to get back at Dad which is ridiculous. Alcohol ruins your mind and hers was ruined for sure. She had the craziest logic. I feel the lack of a relationship with her and I think often about what it would be like to still have my mother her, healthy and loving. I know that I couldn’t have done anything to make that happen. I feel like she visits me sometimes when I am sewing, and when she does she is happy and sober.

Anyway, I’m grateful that my kids are genuinely loving and eager to express that love.

What am I good at, as a mother?

I think I am really good at listening and letting my kids be themselves without judgment. I’m good at seeing what they’re good at and encouraging them. I’m good at asking for forgiveness and being honest about my mistakes with them. I respect their boundaries and I try to be considerate always and not be “that mother”, you know: overbearing, interfering, critical, hypersensitive… I try to be pleasurable company and to never overstay my welcome.

I see my kids as individuals, not lumping them together as “the kids”. I want to appreciate each of them as a unique creation. My greatest wish is that each one could see themselves as I see them, as God see them. I pray that where they are feeling shame or inadequacy that they could let go of that and understand that they are not being judged, that I can identify with their struggles because I have been there even if they think no one understands… I am looking at them with compassion and love and there is another who is doing that perfectly in a way that I never could: Jesus. I am here to point them to him, not in a harsh or condemning way. Only with warmth and love and only as they re ready.

I want my kids to know the love of Jesus and let it heal them where they have been hurt. I want them to fly. It hurts me when I see them suffering from the pain of life. I want them to know they have a forever friend in me. I am always ready to listen, always ready to start again, always hoping and believing in them. Every single one of them. Especially the one who thinks they are beyond hope. The one who think I am mad at them. The one who thinks all of this applies to their brothers and sisters but not to them. I love you, child of mine, and so does Jesus.

So on this Mother’s Day I am thinking of you and seeing the best in you and hoping to hear your voice; I’m ready to pray for you where you are hurt and rejoice with you in your successes. I love you, child of mine.

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