I was praying this morning for my kids to have that inner transformation that happened to me back in 1993 as I prepared for bed, telling God my troubles and asking him to give me wisdom just like it talks about in the book of James. That night as my frustration with the difficulties of life reached a boiling point, I didn’t just cast my cares on him, it felt like I threw them – perhaps a bit spitefully.
I wouldn’t have called myself a believer before that night and I had not experienced the changing power of the Lord although I did believe in God and had tried several times before that to mold myself into what I thought was required of someone who believed in a higher power. But just as many times I had wandered back into my old way of being. If I’d had a mother watching me and praying for me, she would have been on pins and needles as I danced around a full commitment.
But here’s the thing, when I was changed it wasn’t through any effort of my own. I didn’t have to squeeze myself into the mold of Christianity or seek the blessing of a man. As I slept that night after I expressed my frustration to a God I didn’t really know, the Holy Spirit overtook me and transformed me from the inside out. I didn’t do anything and I didn’t ask for it because I wouldn’t have known what to ask for.
When I was praying for my kids and thinking about how miraculous transformations like this can come seemingly out of nowhere when least expected, the impression I felt that the Lord was giving me was that the Holy Spirit is always seeking, searching, looking for an opening to slip into. I could see that a cracked and scarred vessel will ultimately provide a place of access for the Spirit of God to enter, whereas a perfect, strong, unmarred vessel never lets the Light in. That was encouraging to me because my kids are like me – they’re broken in places. The Lord is searching for those openings, waiting for them to offer up their brokenness like I did on that night 28 years ago.
When I woke up the next morning, something completely unexpected had happened to me – I was filled with a new power and a new love for Jesus, overflowing with the Spirit. I had asked God for wisdom and he had given me himself. I was never the same after that. It was the beginning of a trust relationship that has underpinned my life through so much joy and so many heartbreaks.
I want this for my children. Accepting Jesus doesn’t remove the heartaches of life; it takes away the desperation and gives purpose to my existence. It adds perspective because I know that my time here is not all there is and that one day I will see the other side of the tapestry that is being woven here. It encouraged me to do my best and live life fully, joyfully, and lovingly regardless of the difficulties. I want this for my children. All it takes is one small opening. Keep looking, Spirit!
Oh Lord, you have searched me and known me – Psalm 139
