how do I write how I am feeling without dragging myself down
it takes a lot of energy to do battle every day against these demons
and it seems that when I am holding the line in one place
another place remains undefended and falls to the enemy
pray that it is only temporary
/
this is my battle of the bulge
there is my Bastogne and I am Patton
where are my reinforcements Sir
where are my four days of good weather
and are You even on my side
waking to artillery fire every morning
which team though
I feel I’ve been taking friendly fire
and that’s not doing myself any favors
/
but can we get a break here?
oh you mean like the prisoners at Auschwitz got a break
ok I get it
life is not about breaks
life is about skipping through minefields laughing
some of us get lucky and miss the charges
or just nudge it a little
lose a leg
but not your life
die quickly instead of one agonizing crust of bread at a time
but we all end up the same
so what does this life mean
why do we fear losing it so very much
so very much that we will betray our closest love to keep it
so much that we will trade liberty to keep life in a cage
why Sir
/
why am I like this
I need to find the freedom that comes with being unafraid to die
to be able to say no, I won’t
not to just imagine it
but to walk right up to the bloke and point my finger in his face and say kill me
because I am not following your orders
I am not dancing to your conformity
I do what I like
I know in my heart that is what you want for us Sir
/
is this storm to teach us that
just like Evey learned
betrayed by her V
he tortured her so that she would come to that brink
point her finger in death’s face
and survive
and be stronger and freer
it could very well be
/
my world is kind of cloudy today
befitting of the grey skies that I see
my music is in a minor key
beautiful but sad
heavy
full of loss
and wondering
and accepting that so many questions do not have answers
