Here’s the truth
I’m not healed yet
I’m still broken
But I have to find a way to move forward
I only realized it this morning
Or recognized it again
That I am flailing a bit
I am struggling
Here’s the thing
I don’t understand why
Or what purpose there could be
in God putting me,
the way I am,
the way he wired me,
into the family of origin I had
I didn’t fit
I got abandoned
here’s the bit I don’t get
because that stuff happens all the time
I mean all the time
children get hurt
what I don’t get is
why did God make me so sensitive
so frail
constructed of emotions
deeply held
if he was going to give me a family like that
and he knew I was going to be a mother
he knew all the things that would happen
I can’t work it out
I can’t see where to go
I will never stop putting one foot in front of the other
but I can’t see a path to being patched up
which I would really like
and don’t they tell you that God wants you whole
well I don’t think I am whole
this isn’t it
and the funny thing is that what I have been through is not really anything compared to so many others
stop comparing
but still, it is true, I am so weak
things didn’t turn out like I had planned
and I really want to tell my story
but I can’t connect all the dots
maybe I’m not supposed to tell it
and that was what I was counting on
that was my redemption, the telling
maybe I’m just not ready yet
but Lord I am getting old
find another book to write
Child –
you don’t need a book as your redemption
you don’t need to trumpet your story as your salvation
you need to tell them your wholeness lies in Me
you need to tell them your redemption is in Me
once again you are relying on your own strength
and as you are realizing
you don’t have enough
do you really think you can write a story that puts Me on the sidelines
and that I won’t touch you to stop that from happening
what good is it for you to write a story that glorifies you
I don’t need the glory, but you need to give it
your world doesn’t work right, Tina, when you are the center of it
don’t forget your Polestar
