Polestar whispers

Here’s the truth

I’m not healed yet

I’m still broken

But I have to find a way to move forward

I only realized it this morning

Or recognized it again

That I am flailing a bit

I am struggling


Here’s the thing

I don’t understand why

Or what purpose there could be

in God putting me,

the way I am,

the way he wired me,

into the family of origin I had


I didn’t fit

I got abandoned


here’s the bit I don’t get

because that stuff happens all the time

I mean all the time

children get hurt


what I don’t get is

why did God make me so sensitive

so frail

constructed of emotions

deeply held

if he was going to give me a family like that


and he knew I was going to be a mother

he knew all the things that would happen

I can’t work it out

I can’t see where to go

I will never stop putting one foot in front of the other

but I can’t see a path to being patched up


which I would really like


and don’t they tell you that God wants you whole

well I don’t think I am whole

this isn’t it


and the funny thing is that what I have been through is not really anything compared to so many others

stop comparing

but still, it is true, I am so weak


things didn’t turn out like I had planned

and I really want to tell my story

but I can’t connect all the dots


maybe I’m not supposed to tell it

and that was what I was counting on

that was my redemption, the telling


maybe I’m just not ready yet

but Lord I am getting old


find another book to write


Child –

you don’t need a book as your redemption

you don’t need to trumpet your story as your salvation

you need to tell them your wholeness lies in Me

you need to tell them your redemption is in Me


once again you are relying on your own strength

and as you are realizing

you don’t have enough

do you really think you can write a story that puts Me on the sidelines

and that I won’t touch you to stop that from happening

what good is it for you to write a story that glorifies you

I don’t need the glory, but you need to give it

your world doesn’t work right, Tina, when you are the center of it

don’t forget your Polestar






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