don’t dream it’s over (personal notes for structure and direction on memoir)

Memoir Notes (what do I want the reader to see about my marriage when it is all said and done)

There’s not going to be some kind of celestial realization that my marriage was bad because I knew going into it that it was bad. After all, the man I married head-butted me before he asked me to marry him. I wasn’t under any illusion. I wasn’t even deluded. I just didn’t have a standard at all for myself and I rarely thought beyond the present moment. I never considered the consequences of my actions. I never began with the end in mind. I just acted. I acted in whatever way seemed convenient, easy, pleasurable, advantageous, in the moment. If I had a philosophy at all, it was, wherever I go there I am.

So the turning point in the memoir has to be something else, and that is this: I realized in my very immature way that I wanted more than the status quo of a bad marriage, the status quo of a sad life, and that I was going to have to be the one to get it for myself. And I was not going anywhere without my girls. The three of us were going out to find more than what we had been experiencing up to that point. In fact, it may have been the birth of my children that caused me to begin seeing my world a different way.

Of course that was not a recipe for perfection. But it was a choice for change, and it was the beginning of heading in the right direction for me and for them. I could have only focused on myself and left them behind. I say I “could” have but I really couldn’t have. In no way of perceiving my world could I have taken off and left my girls with Wayne. Whatever you might say about my mothering skills, you could never call me disloyal. They were mine to care for and I was going to do that in my own authentic, broken, sincere way.

So as I go through this 9 millionth draft (and I really think this is the one that will stick, dear me, I hope I am not jinxing myself by mentioning it), I see my process as

1. getting hitched and believing that I would be married to him for the rest of my life because I had no desire to fuck it up like my parents had,

2. experiencing continuous chaos, lack of sobriety, and violence to go on top of my neutral feelings towards Wayne,

3. seeing my girls having to go through the chaos with me and that feeling gradually changing my mind,

4. trying some things to begin the process of disconnecting and “leveling up” and failing miserably at those things,

5. thinking I would just give up because the mental pressure was too difficult (panic attacks, shame), then finally,

6. finding the strength to go on, strength inside myself and strength outside myself from my Creator and strength from my love of my children, and getting us out and getting free.

there is freedom within

there is freedom without

try to catch the deluge in a paper cup

there’s a battle ahead

many battles are lost

but you’ll never see the end of the road

while you’re traveling with me

hey now hey now

don’t dream it’s over

hey now hey now

when the world comes in

they come they come

to build a wall between us

you know that they won’t win

I know I’m not supposed to use song lyrics and if anybody actually reads this I’ll take them down. If you could know how much this song helped me in 1987 and beyond – this was the voice of God to me speaking through Neil Finn before I really knew who God was. This was the encouragement that kept me alive and bought me freedom. Thank you Neil Finn and Crowded House. (and I am fervently praying that I will be able to license at least some of these lyrics for the book)